DESIRE FOR OPENNESS

In an intro to his latest book ‘With Love from Russia’, queer artist Vlad Zorin says that ‘photography has always been a way for me to express my thoughts about sexuality, but for a long time, I wasn’t able to talk about it—I felt too embarrassed and shy.’ For Zorin, who was born in Chelyabinsk (a city in the west of Russia), the project became a way to overcome this mental barrier, which was born out of growing up in a conservative society where talking about sex is taboo and being open about your identity can often lead to discriminating attitudes.

The publication, created in collaboration with curator Andrey Lopatin, consists of sixteen candid interviews with young men from around the country, followed by a confession from Zorin. The subjects, both queer and heterosexual, reveal honestly their first sexual discoveries, explorations, relationships and unfulfilled fantasies in discussions where no topics are off-limits. That unashamed level of openness is equally palpable in the accompanying images taken by Zorin, where the interviewees are captured in various states of undress in intimate domestic settings.

In a Behind The Blinds exclusive, Zorin shares with us confessions from two guys he met over the course of working on his publication, Lesha and Nikita:

LESHA

20 years old, Moscow

I didn’t go to kindergarten. Instead of school, I played professional hockey. I don’t remember my first kiss and, due to my tight schedule, I had no dating life as a teenager. Even with sports, I didn’t ever have any sexy stories with other guys in the locker room or something like that. In my family, we never discussed sex, except for the one time when my mom told me to “cut the fucking crap, and use condoms”.

I learned how to kiss by kissing squashes, and mangos taught me how to eat girls out. This is the best, and I just love going down on girls! I don’t think there’s anyone better than me in this city when it comes to eating pussy.

I’ve kissed guys, like two... wait, three... wait, four times! The most memorable was kissing at an open-air festival, the first big party after the lockdown. Some super hard techno was playing and we were kissing in the middle of a crowd. I really liked it.

There was one story in my life that I’ll never forget. In Berlin, towards the end of a party in Berghain, I met up with this cool crowd, and they offered to set up an orgy. There were ten of us—five guys and five girls. We went to a girl’s place, and in the middle of a huge, bright room, everyone presented their negative HIV tests. Everything happened right there. Cool music, amazing lighting, and our bodies, beautifully intertwined. I was so tall and skinny and I felt embarrassed because all the other guys were athletic. I kept going over that night in my head later, remembering who had done what to me and where I had stuck things.

I had no sexual experience with guys after this, except for a couple of kisses with a friend. I can fall in love with boys, but I can’t be in a relationship with them, at least, not yet. However, I liked the atmosphere of that night in Berlin. I don’t want to live based on whatever the norms of the day are. Now I’m open to everything. Let’s see what happens next.

I don’t have curtains in my apartment, and there’s another window facing mine. I walk around the house naked and I love it.

• EXPERIENCE

15-20 partners

• STYLE

I’ve developed a strategy I call “hard but soft”, and I’m thinking of having a personal show on Instagram, teaching how to satisfy absolutely anyone

• FAVORITE POSITION

Sideways 69, or doggy style if I want to cum like a king, but in general, I love all sorts of positions and their combinations

• DURATION OF SEX

From five minutes to an hour. Recently I had some beers with a friend and we got so tired after 40 minutes of making out that we just decided to stop and go to bed

• MASTURBATION

From three times a day at maximum to every other day. A couple of times I jerked off right in the school class, but I think I didn’t cum

• SEX WITH GUYS

I want to try, but I won’t force things

• CONDOMS

I was recently given an unusual condom as a gift from London. It came in a cool package which fits nicely in my pocket. If a girl’s on the pill and we’re both healthy, I’d rather go without condoms, but otherwise, it’s too risky

• LUBE

Coconut oil is the best option, it doesn’t dry out or affect allergies

• SEX TOYS

I love to improvise with a belt or a rope, or spanking with a slipper, but real sex toys are boring

• ORAL SEX

I haven’t given a blowjob yet, but some guys blew me at the orgy

• GROUP SEX

I want to do it again. I recently suggested it at a house party, but everyone flaked, said they hadn’t shaved, and needed to go home

• FANTASY

On the roof of a skyscraper, wearing the latex suit from the first season of American Horror Story with a Mexican girl I once saw in a streetcar

• CARTOON FANTASIES

Kim Possible, and Bender from Futurama

• CHILDREN

I dream of being a father, and I want two girls

NIKITA

21 years old, St. Petersburg

My childhood or adolescence memories, and even many recent memories are rather blurry. My sexuality definitely evolved gradually. I clearly remember that in the first grade I made glass bead rings and gave them to girls, and in the second grade, I kissed a girl at an after school class. It was not until a few years later that I realised I liked guys.

My parents broke up when I was very young. I grew up with my mother and I was lacking a lot of things. I consider my childhood very difficult and far from happy. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother, and she still doesn’t know I’m gay.

I had no love or sex life until recently. Back in school, I watched everyone around me dating each other, but there was nothing like that in my life. In Russia, when you realise you’re gay, you also realise you can’t take the initiative with any guy you like—most likely, you won’t understand each other. There were no gay guys in my environment, and I didn’t even know how to meet a guy. But I was not particularly interested in it then. But I did have sexual fantasies about guys from my school class, and I started to masturbate to porn when mom started leaving me home alone.

Even in community college, I only looked at guys I like and had sex with them in my imagination. I knew they had girlfriends. It was only after college that I realised I wanted sex and should try dating guys. I started meeting guys through an app, but I was so scared that several times I agreed to meet up, arrived at the spot, immediately turned around and went home. I tried my best.

The first date I didn’t flake on, turned out chaotic. We didn’t even kiss and then I didn’t go on dates for another six months, I was just too stressed. But later on, I kept trying because I still wanted love and sex, and gradually the fear went away. I simply realised that you can always exit early.

My first relationship (it seems I’m the only one of us two who considers it a relationship) started on Hornet. We met six months after the first text. Before that, we kept would stop texting for a while and forget about each other’s existence. At first, he really wanted to meet up and was quite pushy about it, and then, when I was ready, he wrote, “Stop texting me, I met a wonderful guy. It’s too late and we’ll never meet.” I was upset that I was flaky about it for so long and things didn’t work out. I texted him, “Okay, good luck,” but I thought to myself that a month later he would text me again. And so it happened. Truth be told, after that there was another month before we actually met up.

We met in February, it was Friday the 13th. I came over, and I wasn’t anxious at all, after all the texting it seemed that we had known each other for a long time. He was 33 and I was 21, and for me, it turned out to be quite a small age gap. He made a delicious dinner, we talked, watched a movie and ate popcorn. Everything was great, I stayed for the night and we had sex.

He announced it right away that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and only met with guys for one or two dates. But with me, he wanted to keep going. And I felt that was my man from our very first date. We started seeing each other regularly, but I can’t say what kind of relationship we have and I don’t know what will happen next. Will meet with him next week. I hope so, but it may not work out.

I’m not quite sure what I want myself... I like this person, but I’ve always known that I have my own friends, and I’m not ready to live with him. I can imagine how our family life would go, and I definitely don’t want that. Maybe I like this rollercoaster, this lack of reliability, this inaccessibility. Maybe I don’t want a relationship at all. It’s complicated.

Overall, I’m okay with being gay in Russia. I have friends like me, and with them, I feel very liberated. But I don’t discuss this issue with most people—for me, it’s an intimate topic. I’ve always accepted myself as I am, I’m just very cautious.

• EXPERIENCE

20 partners, but these were mostly blowjobs, I’ve only had actual sex inside my one romance

• STYLE

I like it softer

• FAVORITE POSITION

Any position is good with a person you love

• DURATION OF SEX

Long, 20 minutes on average, but I can have it several times in a row

• MASTURBATION

Between once a week and three times a day

• SEX WITH GIRLS

Never wanted to try

• CONDOMS

I’ve never bought condoms in my life, I don’t know much about them, and I was very pleased that my boyfriend decided to take care of this. But I always use them, because once I tried to go without one, when the guy said that he was clean, but it turned out he wasn’t all that clean (I was fine, but I felt cheated on)

• LUBE

Yes

• SEX TOYS

My boyfriend had a dildo, we tried to use it, but I like it better without it

• GROUP SEX

I’ve never had it and I don’t want to, I’m a one-man guy

• FANTASY

To repeat all the best things that have already happened

• KISSING VEGETABLES

Never did it, but sometimes I train on my arm or a pillow

• FIRST KISS

Some time back in kindergarten