NIKITA
21 years old, St. Petersburg
My childhood or adolescence memories, and even many recent memories are rather blurry. My sexuality definitely evolved gradually. I clearly remember that in the first grade I made glass bead rings and gave them to girls, and in the second grade, I kissed a girl at an after school class. It was not until a few years later that I realised I liked guys.
My parents broke up when I was very young. I grew up with my mother and I was lacking a lot of things. I consider my childhood very difficult and far from happy. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother, and she still doesn’t know I’m gay.
I had no love or sex life until recently. Back in school, I watched everyone around me dating each other, but there was nothing like that in my life. In Russia, when you realise you’re gay, you also realise you can’t take the initiative with any guy you like—most likely, you won’t understand each other. There were no gay guys in my environment, and I didn’t even know how to meet a guy. But I was not particularly interested in it then. But I did have sexual fantasies about guys from my school class, and I started to masturbate to porn when mom started leaving me home alone.
Even in community college, I only looked at guys I like and had sex with them in my imagination. I knew they had girlfriends. It was only after college that I realised I wanted sex and should try dating guys. I started meeting guys through an app, but I was so scared that several times I agreed to meet up, arrived at the spot, immediately turned around and went home. I tried my best.
The first date I didn’t flake on, turned out chaotic. We didn’t even kiss and then I didn’t go on dates for another six months, I was just too stressed. But later on, I kept trying because I still wanted love and sex, and gradually the fear went away. I simply realised that you can always exit early.
My first relationship (it seems I’m the only one of us two who considers it a relationship) started on Hornet. We met six months after the first text. Before that, we kept would stop texting for a while and forget about each other’s existence. At first, he really wanted to meet up and was quite pushy about it, and then, when I was ready, he wrote, “Stop texting me, I met a wonderful guy. It’s too late and we’ll never meet.” I was upset that I was flaky about it for so long and things didn’t work out. I texted him, “Okay, good luck,” but I thought to myself that a month later he would text me again. And so it happened. Truth be told, after that there was another month before we actually met up.
We met in February, it was Friday the 13th. I came over, and I wasn’t anxious at all, after all the texting it seemed that we had known each other for a long time. He was 33 and I was 21, and for me, it turned out to be quite a small age gap. He made a delicious dinner, we talked, watched a movie and ate popcorn. Everything was great, I stayed for the night and we had sex.
He announced it right away that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and only met with guys for one or two dates. But with me, he wanted to keep going. And I felt that was my man from our very first date. We started seeing each other regularly, but I can’t say what kind of relationship we have and I don’t know what will happen next. Will meet with him next week. I hope so, but it may not work out.
I’m not quite sure what I want myself... I like this person, but I’ve always known that I have my own friends, and I’m not ready to live with him. I can imagine how our family life would go, and I definitely don’t want that. Maybe I like this rollercoaster, this lack of reliability, this inaccessibility. Maybe I don’t want a relationship at all. It’s complicated.
Overall, I’m okay with being gay in Russia. I have friends like me, and with them, I feel very liberated. But I don’t discuss this issue with most people—for me, it’s an intimate topic. I’ve always accepted myself as I am, I’m just very cautious.
• EXPERIENCE
20 partners, but these were mostly blowjobs, I’ve only had actual sex inside my one romance
• STYLE
I like it softer
• FAVORITE POSITION
Any position is good with a person you love
• DURATION OF SEX
Long, 20 minutes on average, but I can have it several times in a row
• MASTURBATION
Between once a week and three times a day
• SEX WITH GIRLS
Never wanted to try
• CONDOMS
I’ve never bought condoms in my life, I don’t know much about them, and I was very pleased that my boyfriend decided to take care of this. But I always use them, because once I tried to go without one, when the guy said that he was clean, but it turned out he wasn’t all that clean (I was fine, but I felt cheated on)
• LUBE
Yes
• SEX TOYS
My boyfriend had a dildo, we tried to use it, but I like it better without it
• GROUP SEX
I’ve never had it and I don’t want to, I’m a one-man guy
• FANTASY
To repeat all the best things that have already happened
• KISSING VEGETABLES
Never did it, but sometimes I train on my arm or a pillow
• FIRST KISS
Some time back in kindergarten
• FIRST ORGASM
At the age of 13, I was watching porn on my computer, then I was like, “Wow, what’s all this white stuff?”
• KIDS
I need to figure out my own life before that