Halfway between the Essex countryside and Coruscant, 10th April 2020

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Who are you (the long answer, no cheating by just giving your name!) and what is your profession (as in, how do you define it, rather than just the job title it has)?

As a kid at school I was heavily into David Bowie and the series of fantasy worlds he created so taking from that coupled with as children naturally do; I embellished the truth. I’d answer that I was the love child of Diana, Princess of Wales and David Bowie’s Thin White Duke. I believed it soooooo much - to some degree, I’m still eager for it to be true. I lived that fantasy turning like a cat around school with my head so high. It was an incendiary act, but I was relentless.

I often mumble to myself: “I wonder if that was the catalyst,” where I find myself now? I was about to start work on an exciting film before the lockdown; Covid-19 dependant, hopefully that picks up once more. I'm eager to start playing a character on the big screen, it seems the natural path from previous choices I have made whilst modelling with the likes of Alasdair McClellan, Sølve Sundsbø and Tim Walker. Helping these photographers in finding a character, both vivid and breathing, for their photos is too much fun and truly an extension of my fantasy.

Otherwise, on any given day, you can find me, face down in eBay’s search engine, PayPal 1 touching, vintage magazines for research as well as trawling through online archives for anything that sparks my interest, usually gun toting blonde dykes, Maserati boomerangs, and YouTube clips of interviews with David Bowie being fractious.

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Who would you confine with?

Currently, I am with my family and my baby girl Mitzi Chun-Li (an English Pointer), who simply can do no wrong in my eyes, even after she’s chewed her 7th shoe this week. I’m quite a solitary boy, so the idea of being confined with other people detached from my family unit fills me with trepidation - what if we argued? So I guess I’m quite content with being in my current situation.

However, I have quickly discovered that I am quarantining myself with my multiple personalities shifting through numerous gears within the hour; I’m gradually getting to know the minutiae of their quirks. I have successfully beaten off my Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop persona, practicing soothing meditation, chanting chakras for acceptance and knocking back spinach and flax smoothies. It was never going to be long term GP, sorry. This morning, my favourite persona, Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor in Terminator: Judgement Day, which appears at the most Darwinian occasions; Sainsbury’s. Granted there is an apocalyptic air in the world, but I’m not losing now, there’s so much to achieve. Then there’s the over-cautious James, asking “Where can we get hazmat suits online?”, “That scruffy man in the park who pets Mitzi better observe this 2m policy or I’m kicking off” and “Should I be wrapping Mitzi top-to-toe in cling film for her own protection?” This subsides once I’ve logged into Mubi for a 4 hour trance session.

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What's your work-from-home style?

Firstly, I don’t strictly work a job, but I certainly have found other ways of occupying my time besides walking Mitzi along the beach, weighing into Anna del Conte’s Gastronomy of Italy, and vacuuming up news reports with a good measure of dance breaks thrown in. I’d like it known that my life is utterly irrelevant compared to front line workers who are actually contributing serious work throughout this global health crisis. They should really be interviewed instead of myself.

I’m quite concerned that when watching the news its all full of Covid-19 related issues, rightly so, but we aren’t hearing about other important issues such as poverty, domestic violence and these issues are very much still continuing during Covid-19, if not exacerbated - it worries me about the fate of some of these people who are suffering. I feel their stories aren’t given enough airtime, better still how can the everyday person with money and time to spare help those in need?

I’m also struck by the contrast in how the world has dealt with this virus. It’s interesting to see the contrast between AIDS and Covid-19 and the consequent course of action. My Lady Mother always teaches me to question what anyone tells you…

So far, growing concern about the long term economic consequences of the epidemic have translated into calls for the lockdown to cease as soon as possible. True, the longer we are confined to our homes, the more businesses will fold under, the longer those lucky enough to have savings will run dry of them. Then we must think about the knock-on effects of recession, those fortunate to retain jobs will instinctively question every pound spent - a paradox of thrift. It was hypnotic to see journalists pressuring a response from the government when the death toll creeps to 7500 as to when we might be allowed out. We are nearing the moment of maximum danger, the moment hospital chiefs take a sharp intake of breath and even power hungry Whitehall mandarin atheists start praying.

A lighter note...

The UK government's advice is to ’Stay Home’ so whilst I’m racking up my nauseating lockdown hours, the silver lining to this - glinting ever so slightly - is that I can start exploring cyber sex. With an intermittent internet connection, greasy webcam and an all too present wheel of death flashing up; every single night they still hit me up. Through the phone they think we’re in love, but touching myself puts everything back on track just be sure to say that freaky shit you know I like.

If I’m honest, I’m enjoying this respite. I just came off a MA course in menswear that does absolutely diddly squat for mental stability now switch to me sneaking down to the basement drinking all my dad’s Belvedere. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

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Tell us something about yourself that isn't on your resume (a secret skill, a hobby, a previous job or fun fact about you).

I don’t like birthdays. Never have done. Not when it involved towers of pancakes and a wax candle wedged through, definitely less so as I edge nearer the end. There are those who adore their birthday, a schedule of organized fun demanding your attendance to cake unveilings, holiday cottages, club nights and private dining sessions with all attention, hugs, kisses and compliments to be expressly directed towards them.

And you’ll always find spirits like me, who could heave at the prospect of someone commissioning a secret party in my very honor. Weeks beforehand feeling anxious and purposely keeping a low profile to avoid any risk of a round of “Happy Birthday” in a restaurant full of strangers. Imagine if that conceivable person is putting a lot of effort into this celebration and they clock your forced smile rendering them resentful and liking you that little bit less. Also presents! I don’t ever want presents, well actually if you were to buy me the Lego Star Wars X-wing Fighter I’d be pretty chuffed. But besides that, I cannot perform a grateful expression to save my life so I, at all costs, try to avoid these situations. I’ll happily settle for being the greatest dancer with my good friend Lady Ms. Ralph in a sweaty club on a Friday night.

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What's the first place you'd want to go when it's safe again to travel and go out?

I pen this missive laid out on my bed looking out to blue skies. I’ve decided where I’m off to; I’m going straight back up into the clouds - I miss the sun bedding down over clouds, a never to be forgotten perspective. You know, I get so fed up when I hear friends, who travel a lot, chuntering they loathe flying. These are the types who aren’t pondering on the evolution of human kind beginning in mud huts to flying first class (I upgraded: bite me) with the seat back sipping on Belvedere and cranberry. They maybe operating a policy of dodging and denial, but you’ll find me commanding joy and pleasure from the idiosyncrasies of humankind. Whether it’s navigating the airport like it’s a Crystal Maze puzzle, travelers packing 15kg too heavily holding the check-in queue up by layering on their extra baggage or those daring to use the airport shower facilities, (you’re both brave and yet worrying). All of them convince me that 9am is in fact a thoroughly businesslike solution to start sloshing down Russia’s finest.

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Who is in your fantasy Zoom party (Skype or FaceTime)?

Hmmm, well I actually have been forced into a number of Skype sessions of late. I have noticed a change in behavior from once before we were face-to-face, to now being pixel-to-pixel; an awkwardness, a wariness. A wariness of potentially being screen-recorded maybe? Consequently, I find encounters are more reserved and measured… So I’m proposing that this Zoom party is a strictly no talking moment in time - I cannot be dealing with these standing around chatting situations, me hoying back spirits in defense against dull conversation in the smoking area. This Zoom party is a certified dance party - a party where all inhibitions are left at the zoom conference code - clothing optional.

For my guest list, you wonder. I’ve been on a Visconti binge for the last two days and Helmut Berger (The Damned) pops up along with Romy Schneider (Ludwig), so they’re coming. Berger was my crush for some time so hopefully he’ll take up that role at the party once more. Helmut Newton is there, with a bevy of whiplash beauties. Some kids from school who dance like stripper hoes.

We need some good dancers so John Travolta, without any shadow of a doubt. A pickled Princess Margaret, bedazzled with a tiara.

Then I need a JG Ballard thrill; some sexy petrol heads and corporate bankers, alongside Duran Duran, Kabuki, Paula Yates, Angie and David Bowie (sorry Iman) and some sexy friends of mine.